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The Comedian • April 1,1991
Dear MIm Taken,
What should you do if you are
introducing someone and you
forget his name?
Dear Reader,
If you can remember the name
in Latin, use that. People are al¬
ways impressed by Latin. Other¬
wise, use the name of the most
attractive person you both know.
Your friend is less likely to mind
that you forgot his name if you
mistake him for, say, Warren
Beatty. If the name never dawns
on you, stick with Warren and
gradually, it will become an in-
joke in the way that anyting be¬
comes a joke if you repeat it relent¬
lessly over the course of a long
time.
Dear Miss Taken,
Is there a minimum amount of
time you must linger before a
painting in a museum to prove
that you have culture?
Dear Reader,
The runner who jogs through a
forest at great speed is rarely criti¬
cized for failing to appreciate na¬
ture. Unfortunately, the museum-
goer must be more sensitive to his
surroundings, but fortunately it is
possible to fake it. What counts is
not the speed at which you make
your way through the museum,
but the pacing. If you rush past
Study in Angst and dwell before
Study in Angst#2 people will think
you know the difference between
Abstract Neo-Expressionism and
Neo-AbstractExpressionism.
Dear Miss Taken,
If a guest unexpectedly brings a
Carvel "Fudgie the Whale" ice
cream cake to your dinner party,
do you have to serve it instead of
the dessert you spent threee days
making?
Dear Reader,
Albert Einstein discovered that
energy can be converted into
matter. A corollary to Einstein's
theory, in dessert terms, is that
your guesfs cake, which he/she
spent no energy making, does not
matter. Toss it. That is what Albert
Einstein would have done, and he
was a genius.
Dear Miss Taken,
What should you do if you find
a twenty-year-old library book
from your old grammar school in
your attic?
Dear Reader,
You own the book by common
law. Still, you can't put it on your
shelf lest someone not versed in
the la w think you area thief, which
in fact you are. You can't throw
the book away because the gar-
bageman might form a low
opinion of you, and you can't
burn it because you would be a
bigot. You certainly cannot re¬
turn it to your old grammar
school because the principal
might look up your record and
see that you did not turn in that
paper on The Significance of
the Title Prideand Prejudice" and
take away your diploma. Put
the book back where you found
Dear Mistaken,
I f your boss mi spronounces a
word in front of you, do you
havetomispronouncethesame
word to be polite?
Dear Reader,
Manners have nothing to do
with it A language decays when
peoplehabituallyabuseit.That
is what happened to Latin. The
Roman slaves, yearning for
emancipation, mispronounced
words left and right to impress
their owners. The language
withered and eventually turned
into Italian. If you have any
pride in your heritage, you will
not allow the English language
to suffer the same fate. If how¬
ever, you would like the
company's box seats for the
WorldSeriesnextSaturday,you
should mispronounce the word.
Shot: Taken
Continued from page won
"news photograph/' category
would be one that he described
as "not that sharp," but added
that he wanted to go with a
"totally off-the-wall shot.''
Amezcua, who scored45 out
of a possible 50 points in the
judging, was told that because
he was the only photographer
who got the toy gun in the frame
of the photo, the scales were
ripped in his favor.
Thephoto placed firstamidst
steep competition. All the ten¬
sion and worry paid off when
the coordinators read his name
as the winner during an eve¬
ning banquet.
"I couldn't believe it, I never
win anything," he said. "I just
gave it my best shot."
Amezcua, a photojournalism
major, also won a third place
prize for a feature photo that
ran in I nsigh t, another campus
newspaper.
The prize-winning photo
appears one page one.
No-Fail
M&M
Diet Plan:
Eat 73 peanut butter
McVfl's a day and
watch the pounds
melt away. One
lollipop is allowed
for dessert.
How to Drow Blood
Ho* lo Grow Fire
How lo Draw Attention "
How to Draw Flies
How io Draw Lots
How lo Dtaw o Co'i
How to Drow Water
How io Drow Bee'
How to Draw Teeth
How to Draw Strings
How to Drow a Bio nit
How to Drow a Crowd
How lo Drow o Beod
How lo Draw o Bridge
How lo Draw Bock a Bloody St
How lo Drow Slcowi
HowloD'OwoGun
How to Drow a Bow
19 HowiuD.uw.
20 How to Drow Wire
21 How to Draw o Salary
22 How io Drow Onicism
73 How io Draw Butte
24 How to Draw Current
25 How io Draw Abreast lodults i
26 How to Draw Cords
27 How io Draw Curloms
28 How lo Drow o Will
29 How to Draw B'earh
30 How to Draw Approvol
31 How to Drow and Quarter
32 How lo Drow the Line
33 How lo Drow Conclusions
34 How to Draw loon End
35 Haw to Draw Out a Ma
Cosmo T.-fosdkkflrtBooks
76 0IUPILHU>, IA(.UNA6CAIH,{A92€57
A Comedian "Cross-word1
1
i
3
5
|
B
3
if
Y>
"
14
IS
LB
17
IB
■
-
19
12~
?0
?4
21
*
u
lb
n
JO
-
1
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t\
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50
s*
ss
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58
i
59
.
61
62
m
Across
15. — and mice
16. rhymes with "neck"
20.OshkoshB'—-
36. what is done to
mend socks
37. what a gun does
42. rhymes with slang
for "dollar"
Down
3. what squirrels hide
7, rhymes with bang"
10. Sounds like one of
Donald Duck's neph¬
ews, Huey. Louie, -
Note: rest of clues may
be filled in according to
class length and attention
span.
//Comedian
Editor in Chief
Mike Eagles (and God)
Managing Editor
General "Call me Norm"
Schwartikopf
Public Relations
Javier Perez de Cuelbr
News Editor
Alfred "What, me worry? "
Newman
Copy Editor
Daniel Webster
Graphics Editor
Andy Warhol
Photo Editor
K.O- "Don'tbe negative"
DAK
Sports Editor
Howard Cosel!
Staff Writers
Mahatma Gandhi, Norman
Mailer, Julia Phillips,
Whoopi Goldberg, Judy
Tenuda, Marshall Mcluhan,
Tom Wolfe, Big Bad Wolf,
Wolf Blilzer, Donnerand
Blitzen, Madonna, etc., etc..
etc.
Sports Writers
Muhammad Ali, Hulk
Hogan, Tito Santana, Andre
the Giant, Woody Allen
Staff Photographer
Ansel Adams
Staff Artists
Mark Rothko, Sylvester
Stallone, Jackson Pollock
News Aide
Dan Rather
Business Manager
Donald "Ivana Who?"
Trump
Advertising Manager
Carl Karcher
Comedian Credo:
"A little folly now and
then is relished by the
wisest of men"
Object Description
| Title | 1991_04 The Daily Collegian April 1991 |
| Alternative Title | Daily Collegian (California State University, Fresno) |
| Publisher | Associated Students of Fresno State, Fresno, Calif. |
| Publication Date | 1991 |
| Description | Daily (except weedends) during the school year. Microfilm. Palo Alto, Calif.: BMI Library Microfilms, 1986- microfilm reels; 35 mm. Vol.1, no.1 (Feb 8, 1922)- |
| Subject | California State University, Fresno -- Periodicals. |
| Contributors | Associated Students of Fresno State. |
| Coverage | Vol.1 no.1 (Feb 8, 1922)- to present |
| Format | Microfilm reels, 35 mm. |
| Technical Information | Scanned at 600 dpi; TIFF; Microfilm ScanPro 2000 "E-image data" |
| Language | eng |
Description
| Title | April 1, 1991, Page 2 |
| Alternative Title | Daily Collegian (California State University, Fresno) |
| Publisher | Associated Students of Fresno State, Fresno, Calif. |
| Publication Date | 1991 |
| Description | Daily (except weedends) during the school year. Microfilm. Palo Alto, Calif.: BMI Library Microfilms, 1986- microfilm reels; 35 mm. Vol.1, no.1 (Feb 8, 1922)- |
| Subject | California State University, Fresno -- Periodicals. |
| Contributors | Associated Students of Fresno State. |
| Coverage | Vol.1 no.1 (Feb 8, 1922)- to present |
| Format | Microfilm reels, 35 mm. |
| Technical Information | Scanned at 600 dpi; TIFF; Microfilm ScanPro 2000 "E-image data" |
| Language | eng |
| Full-Text-Search | The Comedian • April 1,1991 Dear MIm Taken, What should you do if you are introducing someone and you forget his name? Dear Reader, If you can remember the name in Latin, use that. People are al¬ ways impressed by Latin. Other¬ wise, use the name of the most attractive person you both know. Your friend is less likely to mind that you forgot his name if you mistake him for, say, Warren Beatty. If the name never dawns on you, stick with Warren and gradually, it will become an in- joke in the way that anyting be¬ comes a joke if you repeat it relent¬ lessly over the course of a long time. Dear Miss Taken, Is there a minimum amount of time you must linger before a painting in a museum to prove that you have culture? Dear Reader, The runner who jogs through a forest at great speed is rarely criti¬ cized for failing to appreciate na¬ ture. Unfortunately, the museum- goer must be more sensitive to his surroundings, but fortunately it is possible to fake it. What counts is not the speed at which you make your way through the museum, but the pacing. If you rush past Study in Angst and dwell before Study in Angst#2 people will think you know the difference between Abstract Neo-Expressionism and Neo-AbstractExpressionism. Dear Miss Taken, If a guest unexpectedly brings a Carvel "Fudgie the Whale" ice cream cake to your dinner party, do you have to serve it instead of the dessert you spent threee days making? Dear Reader, Albert Einstein discovered that energy can be converted into matter. A corollary to Einstein's theory, in dessert terms, is that your guesfs cake, which he/she spent no energy making, does not matter. Toss it. That is what Albert Einstein would have done, and he was a genius. Dear Miss Taken, What should you do if you find a twenty-year-old library book from your old grammar school in your attic? Dear Reader, You own the book by common law. Still, you can't put it on your shelf lest someone not versed in the la w think you area thief, which in fact you are. You can't throw the book away because the gar- bageman might form a low opinion of you, and you can't burn it because you would be a bigot. You certainly cannot re¬ turn it to your old grammar school because the principal might look up your record and see that you did not turn in that paper on The Significance of the Title Prideand Prejudice" and take away your diploma. Put the book back where you found Dear Mistaken, I f your boss mi spronounces a word in front of you, do you havetomispronouncethesame word to be polite? Dear Reader, Manners have nothing to do with it A language decays when peoplehabituallyabuseit.That is what happened to Latin. The Roman slaves, yearning for emancipation, mispronounced words left and right to impress their owners. The language withered and eventually turned into Italian. If you have any pride in your heritage, you will not allow the English language to suffer the same fate. If how¬ ever, you would like the company's box seats for the WorldSeriesnextSaturday,you should mispronounce the word. Shot: Taken Continued from page won "news photograph/' category would be one that he described as "not that sharp," but added that he wanted to go with a "totally off-the-wall shot.'' Amezcua, who scored45 out of a possible 50 points in the judging, was told that because he was the only photographer who got the toy gun in the frame of the photo, the scales were ripped in his favor. Thephoto placed firstamidst steep competition. All the ten¬ sion and worry paid off when the coordinators read his name as the winner during an eve¬ ning banquet. "I couldn't believe it, I never win anything," he said. "I just gave it my best shot." Amezcua, a photojournalism major, also won a third place prize for a feature photo that ran in I nsigh t, another campus newspaper. The prize-winning photo appears one page one. No-Fail M&M Diet Plan: Eat 73 peanut butter McVfl's a day and watch the pounds melt away. One lollipop is allowed for dessert. How to Drow Blood Ho* lo Grow Fire How lo Draw Attention " How to Draw Flies How io Draw Lots How lo Dtaw o Co'i How to Drow Water How io Drow Bee' How to Draw Teeth How to Draw Strings How to Drow a Bio nit How to Drow a Crowd How lo Drow o Beod How lo Draw o Bridge How lo Draw Bock a Bloody St How lo Drow Slcowi HowloD'OwoGun How to Drow a Bow 19 HowiuD.uw. 20 How to Drow Wire 21 How to Draw o Salary 22 How io Drow Onicism 73 How io Draw Butte 24 How to Draw Current 25 How io Draw Abreast lodults i 26 How to Draw Cords 27 How io Draw Curloms 28 How lo Drow o Will 29 How to Draw B'earh 30 How to Draw Approvol 31 How to Drow and Quarter 32 How lo Drow the Line 33 How lo Drow Conclusions 34 How to Draw loon End 35 Haw to Draw Out a Ma Cosmo T.-fosdkkflrtBooks 76 0IUPILHU>, IA(.UNA6CAIH,{A92€57 A Comedian "Cross-word1 1 i 3 5 | B 3 if Y> " 14 IS LB 17 IB ■ - 19 12~ ?0 ?4 21 * u lb n JO - 1 ■ - t\ r 1 it J3 F HI - 19 r ■ " m - ■ bz M "6 IS . WM'■■ i ■ 50 s* ss se " 58 i 59 . 61 62 m Across 15. — and mice 16. rhymes with "neck" 20.OshkoshB'—- 36. what is done to mend socks 37. what a gun does 42. rhymes with slang for "dollar" Down 3. what squirrels hide 7, rhymes with bang" 10. Sounds like one of Donald Duck's neph¬ ews, Huey. Louie, - Note: rest of clues may be filled in according to class length and attention span. //Comedian Editor in Chief Mike Eagles (and God) Managing Editor General "Call me Norm" Schwartikopf Public Relations Javier Perez de Cuelbr News Editor Alfred "What, me worry? " Newman Copy Editor Daniel Webster Graphics Editor Andy Warhol Photo Editor K.O- "Don'tbe negative" DAK Sports Editor Howard Cosel! Staff Writers Mahatma Gandhi, Norman Mailer, Julia Phillips, Whoopi Goldberg, Judy Tenuda, Marshall Mcluhan, Tom Wolfe, Big Bad Wolf, Wolf Blilzer, Donnerand Blitzen, Madonna, etc., etc.. etc. Sports Writers Muhammad Ali, Hulk Hogan, Tito Santana, Andre the Giant, Woody Allen Staff Photographer Ansel Adams Staff Artists Mark Rothko, Sylvester Stallone, Jackson Pollock News Aide Dan Rather Business Manager Donald "Ivana Who?" Trump Advertising Manager Carl Karcher Comedian Credo: "A little folly now and then is relished by the wisest of men" |
