1977_05 The Daily Collegian May 1977

              .
Amin scheduled to
confront senators
by Soar Apple* Klerk
leader of Ihe black students at
CSOCF, announced to himself
and anyone who would listen
today that Uganda president
Eenle Meanie Amin has been
nate budget
i taken,
This drastic step a
the fhreat* by hi* dark,
mcnacvig group have become
ineffective against the hard-
nosed honky senators
"Ya, man. we got * few of
those sucker* running scared
But. we ain't gettln" through to
threatening black hunk
'"Theyluper Brothers" gol
together after yesterday s
budgei veto by ASS prez Davey
Nixonarian. lo plot Ihe Amin
strategy
If* Just what those assholes
need A good, swift kick in the
pants hy Eenie." said Sevenson
I free extra, Eenie'*
promised a "tragic car accident"
for Senators Tootsie, Bugnoalan,
Stigma and "Wimp" Belsem. It
Nixonarian to reportedly ready
to offer Amin a B-52 bomber full
oT watermelons If Amin agrees to
return, to Uganda "Where gi
bekibg*,"
Barbara Kiumeagatn. ASS
Senate chairman, told the
Comatose that Amin would be
allowed to address the senate it
the plainclothes security police
could be beefed up enough
"Wecertainly wouldn't/want to
deny Amin the right to (alk But
we've heard rumors about him."
Tootsie and Bugnoalan have
compromised themselves all
year, but then this Isn't a sex
Back to the violence.
In a telephone interview with
Amin, the lovable dictator said
he planned to gring bodyguards
armed with machine gun* (and
machetes for the watermelon*) *
to "inaure the safety ot his body."
The bodyguards will be a
special force or Iranian students
selected from the prisons of the
regime ot the racist Shaw
When advised of Amin's plans,
Senator Tiotsic claimed to have
an athletic supporter and three
dairy cows on his side.
"The jocks will strap themselves to my body lo protect me if
it come to that." promised the
effeminate senator
Tootsie did not reveal his plans
for the dairy cows  We can only
Dictators's tapes
given Comatose
by Ml
Staff Flogelfalor
Editor;     Nolo         A     plain PROfESSOR
brown  paper-wropped   pockooe flues*  we'll  |i
was delivered lo our office this *trowi.
morning by  a  haavysst  person PROF.   B :
An   excerpted   I
i the
problem'
THURSDAY      MAY 12,1977
OOOXYZ-023
oo can use this. II wos recorded somebody    bent    your     best
n  iha  loculty  lounge    (Signed) dissecting blade.
Jormon PROF.     A:        Oh.    Baxterd s
Inside   Ihe    Dackoge    wos   o ordered us lo suggest part-lime
assette   recording   ol    a   con- faculty lo be cul.
■•nation    between    three    in- PROF   B           He     soy*     Ihe
lividuals.   two   males   and   on* students   hav*   discovered   that
• male,    all    ol    whom    are 'he Biology Deportment is full of
i   CSUF   foculry
(Continued on p  1
Bronze virgin could be next
he affirmative action office just
ike he's done to all the other
>rograms he doesn't like
Horje Corral, the present AA
ifficer. said that the university's
reference for a I'h.D lends lo
•xrlude all non-virgins. He ex-
gained Iha t a person must spend
in enormous amount of lime
iludying in order lo obtain the
rovetcd degree
if they are really studying, it
qualified   person   regardless   of
"If a virgin can do the job. (hen
■ewing  ar
armgly
said  Corral      won
"How ci
terullui
The search only is being done
on campus, according lo Corral,
so that leaves very few virgins lo
"The person who gets this Job
must be sensitive to the urges ol
normal human beings," said
Corral. "A bronze virgin can do
Ihe job, but only after a night
with me and my "sensitivity."
Asked if he reels that a virgin
should hold the position, Flopp
"No.-
It was c
i ol his r
When asked to elaborate,
Flopp relunctantly said he felt a
virgin could not fulfill his needs
at this Ume.
'Too much night work is
demanded. 1 don't think a virgin
could handle it," he said.
Flopp is well-known around
campus for his "work dsys" that
Flopp. "I. for o
PUTZ   (Professors   United   for
Tenured   Zomblehoodi    plot.
Kinds   like   that   rag    (The
Comatose)."
Overall, the affirmative action
plan calls for the university fo
make full utilization ol it*
minorities based upon the
national supply of qualified
people in the specific areas.
For instance, the journalism
department needs one more gay
person and two Jew*. The
business department neds two or
anything that moves and isn't
white or male.
The only area that meets the
long range goals is the La Raza
program, which is being cut out
of the university's curriculum.
"That's one way to get away
from hiring minorities and
virgins," *aid Flopp.
Thursday, May 12, 1977
PUTZ accuses THEM
by "Blue" Soot
and-Wild BUl'Mea
The Professors United for
Tenured Zombfcshood (PUTZ)
met with CSCCF admlnlatraUon
officials to discuss present and
future salaries and benefits, the
redecorating   of   the   teacher"*
for warehousing .tudent*.
Patchwork Philoaophy instructor Wardon Hesse, a
spokesperson for PUTZ, said
recent curriculum and room
changes have not been responsible to the needs of the
university's professors.
He pointed to recent cutbacks
in general education offerings as
an example.
"What we need Is to tailor the
general ed programs to the Individual needs of the professor*,
not just cut courses," Hesse said.
According to a recent PUTZ
newsletter, the union proposal*
alao include "a major campus
emphasis on depersonalized
learning," special sabatlcala for
instructors who might be In
prolonged contact with freshmen, and Improving benefit and
pension advising for faculty.
Hesse agreed with the administration statement that said
the university ha* not "hooted its
own born tn trying to recruit
FTE, that to, students." •
"We are the only major
university In Fresno, excluding
FCC. We acquire university
status on the basis of the number
of doctorates, library holdings
and bathrooms we have," he
■aid.
But Heise said increaied
recruiting wa* not the only an-
«wer to the problem of declining
faculty raises.
"We need to change our
grading fee scale, with regards to
student GPA's. We need to
charge a uniform S3S per 'A'
instead of the varying range of
from $15 to tso that some of our
union members now require.
"We also need to be somewhat
more responsive to itudent and
parent reactions to faculty interest*," he said.
"It is getting increasingly
difficult for the union  to justify
'Classical Wlne-lmblblng,
•Elementary Saint Bernard
Grooming' and 'Creative
Jellyfish Dissection' to the
perennial dormy's parents who
visit us. This to especially difficult since »ome of these classes
never meet and many have only
t*o to three bodies enrolled in
them."
"We have only managed to do
so wtU this far Into the game
because most of the parent*
insist on visiting during one ol the
« holidays and sick-leave days
raculty are physically absent."
Hesse said.
Hesse said the university
should be striving to reach older
persons and women because they
are an untapped reservoir of
FTE.
"It's true that some of the
younger »tudents hsve difficulty
adjusting to the lack of instruction ln typical CSCCF
classroom*," Hesse said, "but
the older ones, the ones who can
atrophied for years In front or
'Johnny Carson' and 'Phytlto,'
are satisfied if they learn to spell
the course title."
Hesse added that the university was not attracting aa many
the FTE here," Haass said, citing
as repreaentative example
Latvian* aad Alabaman*,
the future of the campus. He said
that in contrast to the administration's Group for
Organization Design (GOD), the
PUTZ seminar would be open to
anyone to attend. Including
itudent*,  though   active par-
THE COMATOSE-11
* Last rites for VD dead *
Da
GOD to
studying possible and' Improbable administrative' and
curriculum changes at CSCCF.
Concerning students, Hesse
said, "As Dracula once said,
•they're our Ufeblood.' Or, ta the
immortal word* of Louis XTV,
'there must be come tolerance
for even the maggot* in the
field'."
When asked if PUTZ's
proposed measures could be
viewed as an alternative to GOD,
group* In Fresno than In
Beveraly Hills, and they are not
proportionately contributing to
We want to make an Impact on
working condltlons-for
example, the puce wallpaper In
the main faculty lounge ha* got
to go—and we want Input, such**
more  UO  bills  put  In     our
The 10 pending fatalities are now
being kept In the basement «t St.
Aggies Horsepltal.
Owners of seven toes found
following the street dance are
still being sought by faculty of
the biology department. The toes
are being preserved ln formaldehyde In hopes that those
who are able to reclaim their
little tootsies will do so and
participate in an expertement of
the quality of a new glue
designed by chemistry grad
students.
- The glue to expected to surpass
the quality of taste and
stickyness of Elmer's goo. The
product will be marketed as
Fred'* goop.
The piece* of beer glass found
strewn about the campus have
been made Into stained glass
windows by art students at the
participant*. The beans gave
them away, as they left a scant
behind strong enough that
allowed bloodhounds to small
them an the way from France.
A contest 1* being held to name
the first of a new breed of animal
conceived during a chance
meeting during VD week between a bog and cow.
The new species, temporarily
name How? to being saasatasa by
scientists who have udderer
explanations at the little devil'*
curly tail.
The animal will be no good for
meat or dairy products but will
make an excellent Bullhog
mascot,   according   to  local
MUsaUUUUUUUtSwUII
CRABS?
I        Have you ever wasted
revenge on s professor for
flunking you ln * class you
HAD to pass' Or on a
'   'friend   who took-oot your
I   boyfrlend/glrlfrleDfr Now
I   -with Itevohmonary New
—    "TO can get your
theCorps
The United States Marina Cornea is continually looking to the nation'* college* and universities tor a few
food man with the potential to lead Marines.
Men selected lor Marine officer prof rams attend
pre-comml**ion tralnlnc either In summer sessions
between academic years, or after college graduation
or failure.
You need not be a certified mad dog pervert to become a Marine:..nor do you necessarily have to posses*
the Intelligence of an Ethiopian Oatworm, although It
helps.     .
So, If you ar* afraid to apply for the Marines because of rumor* you may have heard, don't be...The
rumor* don't match the actuality.
For example, contrary to rumor, th* Marina Corpse
1* political activity --many base* even have
uKluxKlans.
Also contrary to rumor, the Marine* Ilk* women...
1, where would future Marina* o
Naturally, no one person is going to "solve" the
energy problem slnglehandedly; it's going to take a lot
of concerned people, working together, to even begin to
wrest power away from companies like us and then
begin to clean-up the mess we've made of the world.
The thing is...as unconcerned as we are about fuel
. conservation, recycling, smog-free rapid transit, wild
life preservation and other such cocktail party small-
talk for bleeding-heart liberals, our unconcern often is
not enough.
The unconcern has to motivate action. And that's what
we'ro coming to grips with. Here-and-now, how-to
realities.
So if you're a "how-to" person, a person who's more
than an idealistic abstractionist, there may be an opportunity for you with us to work towards solutions to
problems that concern you, such as how to make more
money, while acting "concerned" about the environment.
Sure, we've got the establishment benefits that make
life easier to cope with, like medical and other benefits.
But we've also got the things that make life worth living.
Green things, like money.
If you're a graduating student, and you've never
thought about working for (and /.or with) us before, give
us a thought. Send your resume to John Rockefeller at
BG&E's Professional Employment Office. 542 Market
Street,  San Francisco, CA. 94406.
BG&E
AaEemalOppaitaMhyE
Male Executives^ a Ferns
.'.    .