1984_12 The Daily Collegian December 1984

              Special Literary Supplement
w
PecemWr,7,1»84
spangle earrings, hover lazily over
cea of fruit A pungent, fermented amen car¬
ried on the warm breeze keeps brushing
against my face.
The calm splashing of thc fountain goes
on and on. A lone seagull bobs unconcerned
in its wavelets. The water lets me listen and
feel good and quit thinking.
After a while a couple holding hands
arrives and Bit close to each other on the
edge ofthe fountain. From where I'm sitting,
they look young, hlghschool maybe. Tan legs
splash a little In the water.
The gull flaps off with an irritated cry.
Every now and then, the boy leansoveron
one arm and kisses the girl's lips-nice,
quick kisses. She's got a nice smile. I think.
When I was younger I used to sit in front of
the mirror with my cheeks sucked In for
hours practicing that smile.
I stretch my legs out rub my sore tailbone.
and kick an apple hard against a trunk. A
wasp crawls slowly out ofthe wet gash in the
fruit apparently too Inebriated to be seriously
angry. Or too injured. I wonderfora minute if
-*  * re broken. I leave because I
It's murky dusk when I climb tbe slot
stairs to the hotel room. We stay In hotels
because we can't teem to collect enough
money for a deposit and first i
We change hotels <
* approved...not really a drop out.maybe next -     *tXcotu«rmhappy."Itakehlshandand
"     is Just because It was your look at htm. Then I look down.
first year away from home-.we were very        "You remember where —■	
proud. Your father and I Just don't under- 'ThewatertmlV'Isay.''
atand..what did we do-changed so much.- the ice cap. You couldn't
..both love you so." Just feel it and hear It*
I can feel his eyea on me, so I stop and give "Itwaapretty."HeputshIsarmaroundmy
him .hrlohr amllp. waist    *
"PrettyisruuuTytheword."IknowIsound
too harsh, so I smile to soften It up.
"What's the matter, aren't I poetic enough
foryou?"
"I didn't mean that it's Just that it goes
• side behind abuahand scrubbed with melted
It wasn't feir that you started having those
 Joldyouand
 alfyofcweieaduldthat'
needs me. After you went hack to sleep 1M go
sir, we caa'tacceptbbttfed life here. Wehave
to guard against fruit flies."
Hisjaw is clenched and green-white. He's
about to explode. lean see him straining If I
posh It a little further, it's all going to be
u find 01
"OK .John." I sj
it loud. "I'm coming."
I walk to the Cinderella hotel quickly. I'd
like to slow down and scuff my sandals. You
can't do that in this part ofthe city. I wonder
if he's home yet and if he's getting upset
because I'm gone. He usually does. He's
probably about to come looking for me.
The re's a group of men sitting casually and
talking in the bus stop shelter. I see them too
late; I can't go around. That would be too
obvious. My heart starts thumping I walk In
front of them and don't know where to look.
Cigar and hot pavement smell is In the dry
air. I'm almost there. I think I'm safe, but
somebody whistles The last bit ofthe good
feeling pours out
The rest of the way take* a long time
because of the cars coming up behind me
and the Joggeis running toward me.
It used to be like that at the University. Me
walking and turning my head from side to
side like a robot pretending I was better,
better than all the people that lined the walls
and knew I was afraid, gut-sick afraid.
A too fat girl in too short shorts trots by.
Being catty about it I get off the sidewalk to
give her a wide berth. Her cottage cheese
thighs slap together as she sweats.
I count the sprouting cracks-In the side¬
walk and realize that I can't even remember
what college looked like. Not really. Huge.
proud, brick buildings with bird Infested Ivy.
Cold dorm where happy, loud people played
bridge on Thursday nights on the cement
stairs orbounced quarters on Saturday nights
off of typewriter cases.
There was a stupid roommate who flunked
In <iiflu-iiil twice, wore her blond hair in a
pnnytail. and always cared when I cried In
"Its not too late to drop out Marce. You
could come  here tn State at the winter
mldn'i I
i- mi I sal In the
basket with the door shut around the tele¬
phone cord.
"Maybe. Maitc. maybe we could live toge¬
ther not officially. I mean. but..."
"Listen. Danny My parents and I have
worked for this for my whole damn life. I'm
not going to let them or me down I'm not
gonna give all this up forymi. of forme, or for
us, or because I hate It"
"Marce, don't be mad. Love you — don't
hurt — come back so I can — don't hurt — so
Jlnftll
alright? I love you. but I Just
Long stunned silence.
"I want to call It quits. It is over."
And then the longest minute in the of his¬
tory of mankind dragged itself by as I
scrambled out ofthe basket out of the closet
across a chair, over to the phone.
- "I want to call It quits "
Then I sat on the bed In silence with my
mouth open and peeled my nails off It got
late and the nervous roommate pretended to
be asleep. I smoked all her cigarettes and
watched the room spin. I rocked back and
forth and listened to tbe rythmic sprinklers
in the semldarimese and wondered when It
would hit me. When the sun rose I didn't
have to wait anymore. Everything broke. ,
"* want to call It quits." A
I stamp on the ground hard and painfully.
Mysandal flaps loudly. I look around to make
k about it That's oJr. with r
because I don't want to hear about it
John's lying on the bed with the tacky-
flower bedspread and cursing the used car
salesman/preacher on the religious channel.
He's on an anU-anythlng religious kick
lately.
When 1 first met him he was in the process
of becoming disillusioned with Hare
Krishna You'd never know It He looks
normal enough hying there. You can't even
tell that part ofhls mind Is missing. He had
tohavehispituitaiyglandremovedwhenhe .
was a baby. He has to get ali kinds of hor¬
mone shots. The whole thing seems bizarre
He's got the bed vibrator on. It hums and
clanks. He's apparently too busy making up
new epithets for the preacher to notice me.
He's really very handsome. I guess.
My mind suddenly finds an old dusty pic¬
ture of a hotel room located somewhere in
Arizona or New Mexico with me and Mom
and Dad and two beds and a red. neon light
shining through flimsy, white curtains It's
dark and they're asleep, and I'm cold. The
sheets are too stiff; the pillow smells ami sep¬
tic. I was too proud to bring Sam the purple
tiger, and I want him. I lie there for a long,
long time before I panic and get into bed
between Dad's shoulder and Mom's flannel
back. The smell is right it's warm.and Dad's*
snores sound good.
"Hey. Marcjrl Where you been?" He swings
his long legs off thc bed and sits up. "You
forget about your old man?" ^^ -
"Hi." I say and lean down to kiss him. \
He pulls me down on his lap, rubs my leg
wiuhiBroughhand.andgrowlslnmyear.lt
makes the hairs on my neck and back stand
up in goose pimples. The light catches the
silver in his hair and I think for the hun¬
dredth time that he's got as much grey as my
father has. I push out of sight the thought of
his 17 and 18 year old daughters in Wis-
I try to stand up. and he wraps his arms
tight around my middle. It makes my stom¬
ach hurt a little
"Where'vc you been? Are you mad at me?"
"No." I say too loudly. I say it again more
softly. "No. I'm not mad. Why would 1 be? I'm
not that bad am I?" I don't want him to
answer, so I don't give him time to. "I went to
the park again. It's nice there, I like in see the
squirrels and the fountain and things, you
He nods I know he doesn't Or maybe he
docs. I don't know.
"I checked the post office box today " He
savs it slowlv and looks at mv face.
"WellT
"You got .mother letter."
He puts his hands on either side of my
lace. 1 hare it when he does that. I shake my
head to get away.
"Where is it?" I stand up quickly. "Who's it
from? Come on John, what'd you do with It?"
"It's from your parents again." He keeps
looking at my face as tfhe's trying to sec what
I'm thinking. "Maybe you shouldn't read It
You remember what happened last time. It
upset you pretty bad. I don't want you to be
like that again."
I try to smother thc rising Irritation. "It
won't happen again. I promise 1 won't get
"They're Just nanow minded people.
They're going to preach at you again about
what a disappointment you are. You don't
need to hear that kind of garbage." He gets up
and turns the T.V. off.
"You don't even God damn know my par¬
ents. Just shut the hell up about them." I try
to soften tip so hell give it lo me.- "Please,
John? Please may I have my letter?"
Without saying anything, he pulls open
the Gideon Bible drawer in thc night stand
and brings out an envelope. He hands '
me, turns the T.V. on again, and Ilea
down on the bed Tbe yellow bedspread 1b
rumpled and half of It is on the floor„
_  ':r*rf*?**Te frn the pap*?** looks
like a nice girl, a little homely maybe..."
there are any scabs ripped open. I'm not sur¬
prised that there B *'—--•—-	
- I wonder what they're going to do for a
honeymoon. Only once did we ever go to a
hoteL It was the first time for both of us.
Bubble baths and excitement/fear and that
terrible,ha;
Sitting upi
morning watching
potato chips with i
John is watching me watch nothing, so I
give him another bright smile.
Tbe rest ofthe letter Is about Mom's new
super-strength bifocals. She's very excited
zen snow with my boots.
My neck is stiff and sore from leaning on
''   shoulder. I alt up straight and toll my
bloody, aw
"Whath
. the mattewwittew boy? Him gonna
cwy?oooo! Him gettin mad, boy howdy. Him
don't wike to be picked on."
It keeps building inphlm, I turn my back
becauserm not strong enough to look at his
there senough blood to be upset about
ScAlm«drJBgOTthek>ckedda>r."Marcy?
Marce, can I come in?"
iBltonthecounterandputi
S-^''     	
In appeal Wa
ppeal Watching herbr,
soul shot that day. I tl
e, you li¬
my shallow little mind <
"Please, let's not fight
cheek. "I didn't mean that I didn't mean
n. Deeper than    don't like at aa
typewriter again. She'd forgotten what it was
like. I feel a .very heavy weight ■round my
neck get heavier.
She used to play me songs from the hymn
book on the piano when I was little. I sat on
the vinyl bench next to her and swung my
skinny legs in time to the music and watched
her fingers.
We used to fight sometimes. We had real
ugh/, tantrum scenes. Afterward, I'd cry tn
my bed till I got the hiccups, and she'd cry
until her nose swelled shut and she talked
funny. Then she'd come in and bold me on
her small lap and give me cookies or a piece
of cake or something.
I fold the lettcrupcarefully and slide it Into
the torn envelope,
"Mom got bifocals," I say.
John grunts and looks at the T.V.
"When's the last time you talked to your
parents. John?" I put the letter back In the
night stand
"Hell If I know." he says after a thoughtful
silence. "Why? Does it matter?"
"No. It doesn't matter. I Just wondered, is
al"
He watches thc T.V. and I look out the
smudgy window at tbe parking lot
"Don't you ever think about them?*' I ask,
still feeing the window.
"Crap. I don't know. Marry. Now and then
I guess. About aa often aal think about Carol
and my girls" His voice sounds both puzzled
anddlsinttrestod. I hear him light aclgarettc
"Thc letter upset you, didn't if?"
"You wouldn't underatand," I say. I count
the cars in tbe perking lot and then turn
around. "Did you know that my parents bads
big party for me when the University of Chi¬
cago accepted me and gave me that big scho¬
larship? They were really proud."
"What a drag." He blows smoke out his
mouth and sucks it up one nostril
"How would you know?" I ask "You didn't
even graduate from high school" I know I'm
being unfair, and It irritates me.
He gives me a cold look "Well excuse me.
Ms. Unlversity-of-Chlcago-student-bodv;
"Screw off." I say and sit on the edge of tbe
bed.
A long stretch of uncomfortable silence
slinks by.
I can't turn around and look at him. "I'm
"Yeh. so am I." The T.V. goes on for a
mite, talking about cancer or something
His arm tlghteusjust a little bit around my
waist I lean my head on his shoulder, and
arrange myself so his bones don't poke into
my temple. We sit there, stiffly and quietly,
for a long Mine.
"It wasn't pretty," my mind says. Maybe It
was, I guess, but It was more than that To
me, at feast It was a lot more. It understood.
Or at least it let me think it understood. I
didn't I'd dropped out Just a few months
before. I'd come home first But I couldn't
stand that seeing their laces, knowing that
they were in despair wondering why. Dinner
- table conversations were about the weather.
Everyone so em harassed, so confu sed.
So then proud, afraid, everyone happy me
became national park hippie, hotel maid me.
I wore an ugly, brown, mud dress and heavy,
box. nursing shoes. I even let my hair frizz, I
sat by tbe waterfall and rested and didn't
think and felt good.
That day we met I'd Just read one more
"you ungrateful selfish, hippie, spoiled brat"
letter. This one from Grandma.
I wrote "bitch" in red lipstick all over the'
paper. It smeared on thick and nice. I threw
the fetter into the creek.
Then there he was. So different from every¬
thing. Hare Krishna, Vietnam Vet old as my
father, part ofthe brain missing. I was excit¬
ing, wild, and red. We shared a cigarette and
breathed each other's warm, wet smoke.
You were handsome and big and said bizarre
We slept In a tent on the ground in the
"That was nice of you. What is It?"
"It's in the dresser, top drawer, left¬
side."
I open the drawer apprehensively and pull
out—something. I'm not sure what It Is at
first It takes awhile for it to dawn on me
"You got me a g-strlng?"
"Yeh. You like it? Go try it on." I don't
know what to do. I stare down at tbe thing
and Just don't know what to do. Two choices
present themsehres in my head. I can put It
on and prance around and play it to the ugly
hilt Or I can throw It at him and start a
scene. "Before we go?" Is all lean get out
He stands up and smiles. "Sight now. I'd
like to sec your checks ride .that thing."
My mind shuts offend the choice chooses
itself.
"GotolicU.John."Ithrowtlicthlngtothc
floor. "You want that kind of crap then you
get yourself a whore."
He stands there in stunned silence. His
not saying anything makes me madder.
"What the heffs the matter with you? You
make me sick Is it cause you've killed a few
kids? Because there's a metal dip In your
brain where there should be grey material?" I
can tell I hit a soft spot
"What does it mean that you don't have a
pituitary? If tbey take you on" of the chemi¬
cals you're a psychotic killer with boots?
"Do you have a soul? Or is It Just the
chemicals and synthetic hormones? Where
do they store your glass bottled eternal soul
so it won't get broken? Do you know your
expiration date? How are you going to explain
it to St Peter?"
I know I've gone too far, but Tm on a roll
that won't shut up.
"Do they let you cross the border? "Sony
-hand    a walk by myself. W
I start toward the door. It looks like a long
stretch of carpet I'm walking very stiffly and
strangely because I know he's trying to stop
me with his eyes and I can't remember how I
usually walk '
Then he's up against the door and he's
panting with his mouth open. My heart'
• jrtngtc "     " '--
"You
it "You can't make me do anything Not
damn thing" My voice Is trying too hard to
be loud, and it cracks.
"I'm sick of you. I'm sick of all this. You—
are—ugly." My voice Is hardly a voice. I slap
himlnthejawashiirdaslcan.
"I'm so damn tired. Can't you see I'm sick?.
Won't you please, please leave ma alone?"
His Jaw is burning in bright red streaks
where I bit him.
I see him snap.
He takes me by tbe shoulders and gives
me a bard shake. I bite my tongue and tbe
pain startles me.
"Stop it" He says It slowly and dead cold.
"Stop it" This time it's louder. He says It
again and gives me another shake. He starts
shouting it louder and louder, faster and fas¬
ter, with a kind of rhythm. Every time be
shouts il be gives me a harder shake, as it
he's keeping time.
I give up trying to keep my neck stiff. My
hearflal*Al)Capltaa»*ryT)ackandfciui T*"""g*i
the pain I wonder calmly if my neck will
break A picture of myself tn a wheelchair
with pins through my bead flashes by.
Somehow it stops, and I'm In the bathroom
drooling pinkish saliva and wondering If
 Maybe he didn't get
that day, I think meanly. But I
I't any good.
"Pfeaae,Mair^Ineedyou"The bathroom
door bows in. and I know he's pushing on it
I lcok over my shoulder at the mirror. "You
would have done it up right wouldn't you
have sweetheart?" My voice sounds hollow
in the empty, white-toweled bathroom. "You
would have put the soulless to shame." And
wen toe tears start and the throat hurts.
"Please forgive me. Marcv." A man sob.
We sit on the floor together and cry. Hi*
great huge tears splash one after the" other
onto my shorts. The wet dark place keeps
growing If feels cold against my skin. I want
him to stop crying IpullhlB head over onto
my shoulder. Please stop crying. I rock
slowly back and forth and rub his back.
"I love you, too," I say. "Forget this night
Please forget it ever happened." And please
stop crying
He lies on his back and snores. I lie rigid
on my side feeing away from him and try not
to wonder who's slept In our bed before. I
strain to see my fingers in the dark. I'm hold¬
ing them out in front of my fece, or at least
thinking that I am. Is it like a tree that falls In
the woods and makes no sound because no
is there to hear it? I wiggle my fingers;
>e numbers give offsfelnt green glow— sc
Int that It can't light up anything but itaeU
The room is pitch black and the numbers
hang there aa la they're floating
Fuzzy, pink sllppera and Daddy's lap, warm
arms and coflee breath. "Please, till one,
Daddy? JuBtthUonce.JuBtun one. nibruBh
my teeth first I promise." Like it would be
any different Like magic when tbe dock
clicked from 1259 to 1:00.
I palled on a T-shirt and a dirty pair of
levis. I kiss John's forehead very gently.
I lock myself tn tbe bathroom with two
complimentary post cards and a pencil stub.
"Dear John." I start on one post card. Crap
I think. Dear John. Terrific. I cross out the
"Dear."
"I Jnr«eyou."Ipauae and considerscratch¬
ing that outtro.Buttoenl think that it'snot
hurting anything. Fm Sony— for everything.
Please don't- come fr»r>1H*tg foe me."
I leave iton the shelf and feel half cowardly.
«lf relieved
"Dear Mom and Dad." The pencil's so
soiall that It's hard to write. My heart st
thumping. "I'dlike toco " - -
while. If that's a! ' '
getting a one ox
may-begolngtotheJ.C.parttime."ActuailyI
hBvxn'tbeenthlnkingaboutltatleastnotln
i formed way. But reading It o "
"        rgooilr
riptbei
n fd n
what to
yisT
J rip ... ....      .
through the letter, too &Bt to really take i
ything in.
Tbe University of Chicago," she writes,
"sent you a letter today. Il'sa very nice letter.
They say lhat your leave of absence has been
llketf
"Doyt
He sounds interested in what he's askng,
so I know I've got to remember somehow
Just what today la What is he talking about?
Think back six months ago..."
"Our anniversary? Did we meet..?"
He nods.
• "Our anniversary." I say It like I'm sure.
"It's been six months since we met" he
says. "I thought maybe we could do sotne-
thlngapeclal tonight Tbe cab did pretty good
"Well." I think "Not good. Well Good is an
adjective, well is an adverb." I'm tempted to
say It out loud, but I don't "Sure," I smile at
him. "that'd be fun. It'd be great" I think
about hie cab. If we go anywhere, well have
to take it Yellow cab with black fetters all
"I really don't know where wc could go.
Somewhere to eat first I guess.
He smiles and looks happy. I wish that he
"Whatever." I say.   /S~~
"Aw you happy, Msrey?"
Night Is a horrible 	
He there and my thoughts take over, flowing
between unconnected scenes and colors and
words The dangerous side of thinking while
half-conscious Is that I don't monitor what
I'm thinking about I Just drift along with it
until I suddenly realize it's lead.me way
bevond worries over the phone bill or fen ta¬
ste's about being decadent in Paris I lay
there in blackness and the pari of me that
isn't mind or body starts felling and sliding
in fear.
1 roll over and reach out for John. When I
touch him. it's not like I wanted it to be. I
really don't want to talk to him. We're on
different planes, the two of us. Always paral-
starts to sound pretty go
up because all of a an
them. I turn on the faucet and splash my fece
with cold water. Then I take a drink hoping
that the faucet is clean.
I tip toe across the room and fed very
sneaky. I grab my purse from the table and
leave without looking at the bed.
Outside, tbe cool air hlta mc and feels
good Iran down the stalls, sliding my hand
When I reach the bus station, I'm gasping .
for air and have to walk bent double to stop
thepalninmyside.IbuyaUcketaCoke,and
a prick of cigarettes. Then I Bit on a bench
with a Bleeping wino and hope that rrj be
Goln' to be Mam
Rana parked his *65 Skylark -
467 WUdcat, blue metallic and Tru-spokes —
deep inside old roan Chooligian's humid peach orchard
snuggly hidden like a boy's first girlie magazine
under the mattress of his bed.
Wc cranked his Pioneer, and Uie heavy trees
began to dance In the midnight breeze
to "All Day Music" and "Evil Ways" while Jackie Daniels
made his rounds through the homegrown clouds.
Sana shot his head back
ran his fingers through his shiny black hair,
leaned on the seat he had mipholstered at TJ, ,
and began to boast about Alma's patch.
He said he missed having her whenever he wanted
now that her belly was as big as a watermelon,
and her father went looking for him
after dark with a Louieville.
Rana pulled out his blade,
its seven inches glistening In the moonlight
and roared about how he was leaving.
He said he was goin'to be a Marine;
• he said he was goln' to be a man.
Then his eyes became empty and weak
as his thumb rubbed against the length ofhls blade.
He staid be saw Alma's daddy sitting outside the Oasis
with a hole in his chest
He then turned to us, smiled *uod closed his eyes.
Gently, he said that the man
cut so easy, cat
so fackln easy