1987_04 The Daily Collegian April 1987

              The
FVSm
Daily Comedian
•r "Where men an
April Foofs Day 1987
"Where men are men and sheep are scared."
Aliens take Haak!!!!!!
AMAmany/ Dm DO, Onrrwfcn
Does Harold Haak play hackey-sack with his new found friend? Haak and friend appeared before a press conference to discuss their special meeting. Several small
children were also devoured by the alien at the conference. /^-—^*<
By Sal tvarygland
Staff Writer
An alien from the planet Evawder and
CSUF President Harold Haak held a press
conference Tuesday to announce their re¬
cent bcfricndmcnt.
Federal officials are still mystified over
what is now known as the "Haak en¬
counter." It began at 5 pjn. when Haak
was lifted from the the Thomas Admin¬
istration parking lot into the aliens'
spaceship. Witnesses estimate that Haak
was inside the spi .eship for approx¬
imately 20 minutes before he and his
captors landed at the site of the future
Leon S. Peters Business Building where
the conference was held.
"These guys mean business. They are
not   captors,   they   are   my   friends,"   said
Haak who spoke to the press after being
debriefed' by federal officials. Haak
appeared to be in full command of his
faculties but spoke only in monosyllables.
Haak said he had thought he could
overpower the aliens with "a judo move I
learned from Coach Sweeney" but gave up
after he realized the aliens meant no harm.
"It was the strangest experience of my
life," Haak said, "stranger than any fund
raiser I've been to and I've been to some
-ioosies. It kind of reminded me of that big
storm one year in Wisconsin but at the
same time, it was like Roger Williams
Park in Providence. I felt as if I was
somewhere in my past. My friends, the
Evawders, gently lifted me into their space¬
ship. That was when the fun began," Haak
said.    .
The   inside   of   their   spaceship   was
really pleasant, and exactly like The
Bucket," he said. Haak said the inside pan¬
els of the spaceship were the same as the
peel-away cork and mirror squares in The
Bucket. The panels apparently powered the
craft
Haak said the aliens insisted on calling
him "The Haakster." The aliens told Haak
that they degravitized him because they
wanted to "dial direct for box seats
instead of dialing 294-DOGS." Haak told
the aliens he would "do all he could and
get back to them as soon as possible."
All federal agencies are refusing to
comment on the Haak incident but one
official at Vandenburg Air Force Base said,
"We're not sure what happened. It was not
a Soviet craft and it definitely wasn't a
stealth' aircraft because there is not juch a
thing.
Haak asked the aliens if they had
checked into the Internationa] Students Pro¬
gram at CSUF. The aliens said the tuition
for foreign students was too high and
would be a waste of money because "we al¬
ready know all there is to know."
Since his close encounter, Haak has
completely forgotten about a possible
educational doctorate program at CSUF.
His main concern now is space. "We need
to organize the worid and boldly go where
no man has gone before. We should aim
first for the two tiny moons of Mars —
Phobos and Dcimos." Haak said.
Haak plans to testify before Congress
next week and propose a massive space
buildup. "I hope they say yes," Haak said,
"I urge everyone to send their con¬
gressman a postcard with four words —
SEND HAROLD INTO SPACE."
Famous dog chews the fat at FU
_     _ _    / i J   .      ~.      ,-■••,      j •, «- ■-** tatlrmo     moncv    hrrr         vnirr    own    hank
By Dogg £ stile
Staff Whiter
Spuds MacKenzie, official spokesperson
for Budwciscr Light beer, who has been
hailed as "the original parry animal," lec¬
tured last night on "die price of success"
in the Bucket lecture auditorium.
A small, informally seated crowd a-
waited MacKenzie'i » arrival, fervently
chanting: "We want Spuds! We want
Spuds! Though our beer mugs brim with
suds, we want more so give us Spuds!"
MacKenzie entered to enthusiastic ap¬
plause and, flanked by a bikini-clad
entourage, strode with a short, quick stride
and degage ease to the front of the room
sad seated himself on the lecture podium.
"Don't ask me why I'm here," Spuds said
to the audience. "I should be down lapping
up a few cold ones at the Bucket right
now." The audience laughed appreciatively
in response.
The "price" of fame. Spuds said, comes
hand-in-hand with all the pleasures of
fame, fortune and popularity with women.
Fame and fortune came to him suddenly
— almost overnight. Spuds said. It was a
drastic change in lifestyle, added Spuds.
"For yean I struggled with bit parts, lo¬
cal commercials, a little modeling. I was
living in run-down, flea-bitten tenements,
struggling to scratch out a living, never
knowing if I'd be able to pay the next
month's rent. I was digging myself into a
hole. It was a dog's life, in a figure of
speech way.
Spuds paused to sip from his waterglass
and lick his lips.
"I had eventually stooped to fetching
sticks for spare change on the streets of
Los Angeles. One day I was coming back
with a stick, and I noticed that the thrower
was a pretty spiffy-looking guy. He was
smiling ai me, a glint in his eye and a
cigarette in his mouth — he had 'talent
scout' written all over him.
"Then he said, "You've got stvle, kid.
You've got personality. .You could be a big
star.' He looked serious. I was entranced. I
cocked my head to one side.
"The people at Budweiser beer are
looking for the ultimate party animal to
represent their beer — I think you fit the
bill.  Whadd'ya think,'  this guy  said,  frn
talking money here — your own bank
account. All the beer you could drink, all
the women you could lay your paws on.'
"'Alright,' I said, trying to hide my
feverish excitement. He patted me on the
head and said, 'Let's get going.'
"So that's where it all started. After that
he took me to the advertising talent of¬
fice. I literally drooled when he showed me
the contract — a three-figure salary."       *
At this point there was some snickering
heard in the audience. Spuds looked an¬
noyed, but, continued.
"So now. IVe got it all — the good
rife. The booze, the constant partying, the
money. „ „
"Sometimes     things    seem    superficial,
though," Spuds said. "For instance, a lot
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