1987_04 The Daily Collegian April 1987

              i in the
ATiojanl
on campus today at noon hi'the
Free Speech Area to dtetlbute tree
condoms to ait Interested parties.
A trojan pinata bash will also be
held to emphasize the importance
oPresponstolesex.*
Reader
Regurgitation
to The Daily Comedian is welcome.
Please send letters of no more than 250
words to The Daily Comedian. The Pits
Of Hell Somewhere Near Fresno, CA.
Letters must be signed and have the
author's name, telephone number and
address.
Biased to the bone
Dear Editor.
Your newpapcr is so biased. It is anti-
fratemity. anti-government. anti-capital¬
ism, anti-communism, anti-totalitarianism,
anti-fascism, anti-student body card holder,
anti-faculty, anti-nuclear, anti-peace, anti¬
war, anti-American and tnti-ChrisL
Why do I read a newspaper full of anti-
everything? Well, the devil made me do it.
I hate journalists, capitalist pigs, nukes,
flower children, those ignorant commies
and liver.
I also want to mention that I had a
rough childhood My parents hated me.
They liked my sister a lot better. That
Angela Arnold looks a lot like my sister. I
hate my sister. I hate college. AruLI hate
you. I hate everything and everybody!
Sincerely.
Fester Boyles
Only happy things
to be In Comedian
The champagne flowed, the caviar hatched and the congragulatory
pats on the backs abounded as the official announcement was made that
The Daily Comedian had finally given in to the pressure and converted
to a personal public relations firm for anyone wishing to look good.
During the gala event, financed by the A.S. because "the student
body would want us to spend their money this way," I talked with Dr.
Brown Noser, who was named liaison in charge of making any social
or political organization on campus appear pure as the driven snow.
'We're no longer concerned with the truth," Noser said, "it makes it
too hard to present the most positive picture possible."
The change came as a result of the many complaints and letters to the
editor from various politicians and social organization members who
constantly denounced the paper for articles that contained "negative
adjectives" and "repugnant references to the truth."
The president of Phi Drinka Kegga praised the switch and said that
he was "getting pretty tired of editors who followed journalistic
principles and didn't have the balls to be told how to write their
articles."
Roaming around the campus I was able to talk with a few students
about the change and their opinions toward it
The first student queried replied, "What's a Daily Comedian?" and
then mumbled something about running late to his job at Insight.
The second student, a rather opinionated young man named Ed
Melikian said he had never had a problem with the paper making him
look good and hoped that it would continue to serve as'his personal
public relations firm since he was "paying them good money."
I began to realize mat The Bucket probably was not the best place to
get responses since most of the answers were becoming more
unintelligible as time went on. ^f/   ^
I decided to try the Free Speech Area figuring jt should contain at
least one literate individual. Luckily, I ran into sorority president Buffy
Snodgrass who said, "Well, like you know, um, the way the paper
used to be, like you know, it would gross me out to the max, totally."
Taking these insightful comments with me, I visited The Daily
Comedian to see how the switch-over was progressing.
Wandering into the backroom, I stumbled in on the training session,
nicknamed "Osmond interview techniques," designed to teach
reporters how to ask non-probing, fluffy questions which would in no
way elicit any negative information.
They were learning the finer techniques of avoiding off the record
remarks while a tape in the background played the chant, "We love
Bobby Whakn, we love the A.S., we just love everyone."
It looks like The Daily Comedian has finally found a way to satisfy
everyone.
Come on, give us
crabs a chance
Life as a crab can be a real bummer.
Crabs have been given a bad rap.
We're not in bad moods all the time as the
stereotype suggests. In fact it's just the
opposite. Were quite cordial fellows.
My best friend Elvis is a real card. He is a
real practical joker. The other day he called
nx up at The Daily Comedian and acted as
though he were a reader responding to one of
my columns. This, I might add, was after he
had already sent a couple of letters off telling
me how I would boil in a pot of water only to
become a side dish at the Hyatt Regency in
San Francisco. He acted as well as Paul
Newman, which I might add at this point
really didn't deserve an Academy Award for
thai piece of trash movie with Tom Cruise. I
think the reason the Academy gave Newman
the award was because they had overlooked
him in "The Hustler," which led to "Color Of
Money." But I don't really want to get off on
that tangent anymore. Elvis had me explain
the reason I wrote that column I spoke of
earlier. I have to admit that I was a nervous
litde shellfish, but it was the funniest thing
ever.
I might add at this point that although we
crabs are very jolly fellows we are a tad bit
annoyed at having a social disease named
after us. I mean how would you humans like a
disease named after you. Can you imagine
someone saying, "Hey I think I got the
Humans from her,"  "I have a human
infestation," or The doctor gave me some
salve for my Humans." Ijhink my point is
made. I don't think that would be well
accepted by most of you.
And another thing I might add at this point
is that in my opinion a lot of the letters we
get for our letter to the editor section are
really terribly written which drives me up the
metaphorical, which they use too much of,
wall with so to speak, as it were, more or
less, land of sort of really stupid and dumb
redundant ideas that really takes them forever
'to get across to the rest of the readers — if
By Art  H.   Ropod
you know what I mean, and I think you da
We the people of the United States in \
order to form a more perfect union... — just
seeing if you were still with me.
Anyhow back to my gibberish. Crabs
have feelings too. Do you think crabs like
the idea of having our brethren being killed
for Crab Louis Salads, souffles or crepes.
Life i§j»t easy when you're being stalked
by ugly skinny men with nets. Not that I'm
complaining mind you. I just don't like the
way crabs are blamed for everything. If your
bermuda grass has a i nutation you call it crab
grass. If your friends are having a tough day
they're.called crabby. Why aren't they called
pcopleish?
Crabs are persecuted and treated as second
class citizens. For years we have endured
remarks such as. "The only good crab is a
dead crab," or "How many crabs does it take
to put in a light bulb?" We're not going to
take it anymore. The International Crab
Party (ICP) is determined to liberate all crabs
throughout the world and to create a Utopian
world where all crabs are equal.
Anyhow I think it would be a better world
if everyone just gave crabs a chance. All we
are saying is give crabs a chance.	
By Charles Manson
Editorial Writer
QKteccCfo0oaDCs5fr-HI)0««Qriiajrx©iT—QDOccteOooo^rr
Nothing in this April Fool's Edition of The Dally Comedian Is
true, tile hope you share our warped sense of humor.
The Daily Comedian
Founded in a State of Disillusionment
HunterS. Thompson
Managing Editor
Billy Martin
Co-Sports Editor
Bobby Knight
Co-Sports Editor
Satan
Ad. Production Manager
BobGuccionl
Asst Photo Editor
V.I.Lenin
Asst Business Manager
Edward Melikian
Editor in Chief
Helen Keller
Photo Editor
Rosanne Rosanna-Danna Andy Warhol
Copy Editor Graphics Editor
Larry Flint Karl Marx
Advertising Manager Business Manager
Charles Manson,
Louis Cypher and
VHoCorleone
Overkill Editors
Pablo Picasso
StaffArtist
Staff Writers:
Prince, Lois Lane, Leo 'Hug Me"
Bascalia, Bob WhaJen, Joe Rossi,
Billy Barton, Big Bird, The Cookie ,
Monster, Mister "Wont You Be My
Neighbor' Rogers, Rdmbo, Ron
Ziegler, Ernest Hemingway, Mur¬
ray Slaughter, Madonna Louise
Ciccone, Cher, Peter Pa/ker and
Rick James
Sports Writers:
Burt and Ernie (Why do they live
together anyway, they're not-
brothers?)
The Doily Comedian is published by
the Geeks of North America and the
newspaper staff this April Foot's day
because we are going nuts.
The newspaper office is located in
the pits of hell somewhere near Fresno,
CA 93740. Editorial line: 867-5309
News Line: 867-5309 Business and
Advertising :867-5309.
The Daily Comedian is a member of
James Tucker
Intern
Harry Angel
Religeon Editor
Josef Stalin
TruthEWx.
•'
Photographers;
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles
Advertising Raps.:
Leon Trotsky.Herbert TarlkkJr.
& The Elephant Man
News Production: .
Chiang Kai-Shek and Mao Tse-
Tung
Advertising Production:
Dr. Ruth Westheimer
Circulation:
JackLaLane
Distribution:
Vanna White
the Mickey Mouse Club and the Cal¬
ifornia Interrcomedian Press Corps.
Subscriptions are not available by mad
at any price.
The Opinions published on this page
are not necessarily rational or those of
The Daily Comedian and its staff, so
there. Nothing in this issue is true.
Only the names have been changed to
protect the innocent. y
.