1992_04 The Daily Collegian April 1992

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April 3,1992
ArtSpeak
Page
3.
'The^ing*
space/time
By StavenBruce
Special to Artspeak
A large, rotting dead rat
in the corriu; of one's room
brings about as much
pleasure as the mention of
Elvis Prcscly's name to the
thinking individual.
Long considered dead,
Elvis Presely has become the
subject of many different
sightings, cults and /      "^
"Alternative Radio' songs.
But behind the insistent
ramblings of die-hard fans,
and constant sightings by
Midwest housewives, there
does seem to be some rather
interesting new information
that could imply that Elvis is
alive.
Although a small fan of
the beer-bellied, rhinestoned
fatbody myself, I've never
believed the stories that he
was alive and living
somewhere else (although I
must admit that the idea of
him being alive and running
the ASI did make a lot of
sense to me).
From Henry Miller to
Cole Porter, Woody Allen to
R.E.M., never has an
American performer been so
idolized and remembered.
But little known to his
adoring public, Elvis was
more than a man with too
iittie fashion sense and too
many sweat glands. He was
a collector of sorts. A
collector of ancient legends,
stories and myths.
sighted in
continuum
And it is one such myth
that I believe holds the
answer to Elvis Presely's
death.
It is a small myth, passed
down from generation to
generation. It originated
from a small group of people
in Northern Europe around
1500 B.C. known as the
Pediatrisians, a people whose
belief in the Urban Myth
surpassed even their concern
for personal hygiene. Today,
many descendants of this
ancient culture work as shoe
salesmen, while others find
their careers playing football.
But beside putting
modem civilization a step
ahead, the Pediatrisians are
known relatively well for the
accurate accounts they have
kept of events in their time.
One frequently referred
to event was the appearance
of the "Portal," more simply
called "The Portal."
According to legend, and
various paintings discovered
by clumsy astrologers, it
appears to be an event that
would happen every 50
years. Three other solar
systems would align with the
moon. The force would
create a beam of light that
would strike Stonchenge and
open a "Portal," or "The
Portal" and transport a
traveller through time.
According to several
documents found by several
clumsy astrologers watching
the stars one night, the
OsiriOoted by Tr*un« M«M
location of the "Portal" was
about seven hyberunits from
the actual structure of
Stonehenge, thus placing the
site of die "Portal" in
Memphis, Tennessee. (A
Hyberunit is a scientific
measure of distance, of trivial
importance, since the readers
of this publication are not
scientists.)
In 1922, Paul and Tristen
Edglefank were celebrating
their second wedding
anniversary. They were
casually strolling the streets
of Memphis, when suddenly
Tristen disappeared. She was
23 at the time, an attractive
blonde with her life ahead of
her. Paul was 25.
Fifty years later, in 1972,
when style was at its peak
and musk at its best, Tristen
returned home to Paul.
According to her account,
she walked through a
strange tunnel and ended up
in the future.
She hadn't aged a day.
Paul, who was then 75, was
very happy. .
Leading us to what?
Where do ancient legends
and senior citizen love slaves
get us? To the possibility that
Elvis Presely could have
known about and used a
time portal to escape
declining popularity and a
weight problem that would
have Richard Simmons
running.
And, if in fact Elvis has
escaped into the future, then
we need to prepare once
again for cheesy love songs
covered with sweat and blue
polyester bell-bottoms.
Lef s get ready for Pink
Cadillacs, Heartbreak Hotels
and Hound Dogs. But most
of all, lef s get ready for the
many, many movies about a
singing race car driver in
Hawaii.
Thafs right America,
your disgusting past that
you've sought to hide is
coming back, bad fashion
and all. Your children have
heard about it, you've tried
to cover it up, you've made
fun of it
But there's no escape. Ifs
time to pay the piper and
prepare for the loss of all
culture when the King
returns.
White Men
Continued from page \l.
The performances of
Snipes (New Jack City,
Jungle Fever), Ferrell (Boyz n
the Hood, Jungle Fever) and
Perez are all appealing.
Harrelson, the star of
"Cheers", was good in a role
that seemed very easy for
him, although one may
expect more from him than
received.
Overall, "White Men
Can't Jump" is a very funny
movie that lives up to what it
is (a comedy), and for that
reason, it is better than most
comedies.
GRADE—B
)
Scene, continued from page 2
Jailbait- Drew Barrymore gets adult with Tom Skerritt in
Poison Ivy, New Line Cinema's latest release
figures on the Fresno scene
agreed.
"There's a strong market
for that music in Fresno,"
Kayian said.
Martin added that hard-
rock and heavy metal bands
have been increasingly
popular in the area.
"Heavy metal is popular
for selling out Selland Arena,
yet Tom Petty and Dire
Straits sell out everywhere
but Fresno," he said.
Boyajian said that Fresno
has yet to reach its peak as a
pinnacle of exciting music
and culture. * \
"Ifs the people," he said.
"Ifsiiot an adventurous
towft. People in Fresno go to
places to be seen." w , t
v.,v • *      • www •♦*« * ♦ ••AW.sytf
21-year-old Julian Leas,
in the parking lot of the Wild
Blue, said the Fresno music
fans are far too critical.
"The crowds in Fresno
are so hard to please," Leas
said. "They're not open-
minded enough."
But the line outside of
the Blue was growing as he
spoke, the natives wanting to
get inside, to hear the musk,
to be anything but restless.
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