1991_10 The Daily Collegian October 1991

              Spectrum
e October 2/1991
Dying: continued from page 1
witness to the creation. Two atoms touch
in the void and lam in love.
The love comes in cycles the cycles of the
small worlds. It is the whirl of worlds that he
thinks of, that he has dreamt: of spinning
without' observation or the possibility —
snakes, circular, devouring their tails, ellip¬
tical worlds devouring themselves in a cir¬
cuitous plummet into the transcendent
hydrogen fueled source of life. Whirling
agglomerations of points beneath the un¬
structured intentions of a negligent God
who is both a particle and a wave.
Billy feels his epiglottis slam tight
making room for the vomit that moves anti-
pyloric through his upper-respitory sys¬
tem. The purple effluviu pours into lake
with a sudden spent sound.
. Buddha-like, the waning sun grows fat
as he attempts to draw-in the less than
corrosive air. More than aware, of atmos¬
phere—twentyonetwentyone percent give
give me my — any oxy -*- percentage —
feeling the breath of the wind pushing small
waves across the lake. Massless photons
thecar parked half- way down the boat ramp
and still running with its lights spreading
out into the lake.
Turn it off... O — What? but? fuck it.
He attempts to orient himself further.
Standing up, he raises himself above the
wet bank of earth and grass and the stiff,
uncomfort that the a ft er-dope-«leep brings.
Leg and joint and bone and water and earth all
inter-entered nterred when inter-connected
with and 1 — wherethere are stars in the —
where?—He is caught in the vertiginous spin
of the stars —oris itmel-I the I?
He waves his hand through the air. It is
rigid and white in the faint starlight. Just
before he gets the proper finger mounted
above a fist, he topples off the bank and into
.the lake water.
j "AAAAHH shif scold!" he sputters,'
spits through the water and sand and sedi¬
ment Splashing, now standing with the
lake at the level of his crotch, the warm
water and MDMA commence their chemi¬
cal dance. / better watch out for them flukes-
lukes-right and ready the fuckers prob'ly.feel
good... He notices that his body breaks the
water black from the car's light and he
raises hs hands to extend his shadow far
complete and leaves a part of her image simultaneous masturbation of Becky and
clingingtothehardplasticofthecaid-holder. theMarines.
What is now irrecognizably bonded to the "Proveit," she whispers wfth a mouth-
devety>ping paper in his hand is the face of ful of Kodak chemicals. Trove it Billy,'11'she
a bum victim, mottled and charred over, says, and grabs his penis, massaging it with
Where the fine eye should have been is the her free hand.
only part left human enough to display the %  "Prove it#-P," he murnrirrs to himself.
omniscient and punitive character of the Now looking down at his hands on his
universe that crowds itself into Billy's brain penis a nd his semen splattering across her
RightNow.     iMDo t jt Billy? I wiircuz^^^j
■ *7 J      ■• J  .. it lies in its plastic
you have a nice car. Warm cover on the damp
inside. Let's go for a ride," she^£2^
says in her little girl voice. her, I'm gonna' do *
•No. No. I never: I-I-I-" he stuf-^- \ «g
terS painfully. •'   aloud and slowly
"I didn't think so. You're not that£^*g£
kind of man. Not any kind of     astheycomeback
' over the lake. He
man. enters the water
strike him in the face.
Didany ofthempenetraU Boyle's dark cask    into the lake.
Perhaps eight or fen feet long, the larg¬
est of the flukes in the lake swim into his
shadow. One latches onto his cock with
— PV=f tfeal Gas Law right? (Ideal, no\
■   Boyle's) ...ideally love?
■ Love as cold as, "Do it Becky, or I'll find
someone who win." Warm in a car in the
winter mornings, he thought of worlds with
one valence shell, of running line-sprints an
hour before class, or Becky's mouth sliding
over his penis.
He picks up more of the small pebbles,
rinsing thenj in the fouled water to remove
the spreading, viscous purple that has soiled
-^hrTTT The vomit has deposited large,
upctfewed chunks over the shore. No swim¬
mers itch this year Not a very warm summer
Water's warm though warm Idon't need a jacket
■ I'm not cold Fuck ybu I can swim it Fuck her I
M
large feminine lips, smeared with Cherry
Passion lipstick while the other fluke swims
behind him and attempts to intrude him as
if it were a large, hairy organ, dark and
smelling of musk even through the water.
Billy screams,' twisting through the
water up the boat ramp, until heslipson one
of the submerged and muck-covered con-'
crete slats that form-the length of the ramp
and falls onto the bank., The smell and
smother of earth shut off his screams, the
splashing of water, and the sounds of viscid
flesh sliding back into the muck; deep inthe
-places that are never warm."
Billy becomes conscious again, but
more slowly now. His" head is wedged inthe
soft bank beside the boat ramp; his body lies
partly in the water. Lighpvool-a-car running
high idle, carb, float sticky Jesus — that stuff
must have been creeper Sinsemyass Fucking
thirty a quarter — Waitagain how much long
time havelbeen again?
.The night is very deep now, and the
lake is strange in the headlights. The finger-
sized flukes and lake-uebns cast shadows
that move sub-luminally on the low up-
doWiTdip of waves that made him think of
Becky and of his erection.
Sitting on the bank, he removes his wet
clothes, letting them fall into the water where
the waves cover them with sand and the
washed-up water dross that he can see in
the side-light-loakings of the headlamps.
He takes, his jeans off last and removes his
wallet before wadding them and heaving
the heavy head of sopping black into the
He squeezes the wallet dry    dark of the lake
with an open twist of the   .
leather, She's in here Cant
throw her away... Bitch. He
removes the unplastic paper
waddings that are both the
constant three-inch depression cm'tthrowheraway
in his ass and his citizenship.   - Bitch- He ,re"
r moves the unplas¬
tic paper waddings that are both the con¬
stant three-inch depression in his ass and
his citizenship.
■That's nothing. I'm no not a thing nothing.
Now dry and free in the air, the plastic
parts of the wallet swing loose like pu-
denda; the foreskin of credit cards and senior
pictures are the seemingly immortal poly¬
mers articulating human existence.
Her photo has been sedimented into
the mass. Heat and pressure has transmog¬
rified the image into the twisted death-form
that fossils take on inside of rocks, splitting
others cheering the sheer stupidity ' unevenly and defacing the untrue mineral
1 blind ness'of the act in the suspension of * -images that die many times, before men for-
that the gore induces. get what they were.
"Jesus, thafs stupid. I'm must be f- Only the sharp, gold print, "Class of
how did I drive here?" he wonders aloud,   ,K86," remains intact. Billy roughly pulls the
looking stupidly around himself. He sees    photo out of its casing. Theextraction is in-
As yet free from the regular bitterness
of knowledge that being vertebrate brings,
thc liver flukes "swim and the radiation
coming oblique through theatmosphere^at
last refracted in that thin, tenuous surface,
are lengthened towarctshore. These are the
blind hunters of the little animals that sift
the silt of the lakeside waters. The flukes
move through the fine, granular sediment
' that junkets the slow waters of the reservoir
and fails to regret the regular waters of
other places, remaining ignorant of the ter-
. minal salinity into Which the evanescent
San Joaquin relinquishes tons of once-bo-
vine-shlt<entral-valley into a final, mineral
dissolved dream.
Billy throws a pebble over the lake.
Gravity catches it and devours* it, dropping
the kinetic corpse of stone, dead, into the
lake.when it is done. G? ...g? No, the little g,
yeah I can make it.
He smiles at the
smell of cannabis on his
hand when he wipes his
mouth, knowing what
the excrement of micro¬
organisms can do the
the function of brain
cells immersed in hal¬
lucinogen   tainted
blood, trapped  in
capillaries, oneon any
side of any cell. His skin feels cold and his
heart works furiously to warm it.
Hey brother can you spare one? Sure I got
plenty. Gimmmie a nil. "AAarrf!" bark the
dark and, dying cells in his head.
The grass feels cold under his hands,
like the dead cells in his head, as he shifts
position dn the bank. He pictures clumps of
ethanol hammering through the centers of
doughnut shaped hemocytes within the
shrapnel spraying into crowds of neurons
faB dead from high spectator stands
they sit, some drunken, some apa-
beyond t he green¬
ish, headlighted
lake water. -
He squeezes the
wallet dry with an
open twist of the
leather. She'sin here
Oh Jesus Oh
Jesus
He grips
' the wallet and
the photo
tightly and
closes his eyes
as the drugs
really begin to
kickin,
*"Iam
I'm not. Oh
God! But... I
love you!"
he groans,
low and
toward the water.
The motor.RPM's as the carburetor
float sticks and unsticks; the waves slap the
shore tossing dead leaves and excrement
from the lake cottages onto the boat ramp
and the shore. The photo speaks up, loudly
calling bullshit on all of the womb-sounds
that are pouring into Billy's head, "You're
^worthless! You dumb-ass mother fucker!"
The photo scowls at him with its al-
most-eye and shrieks with the hysterical
laughter that drugged women succumb to
after giving birth. He lies face down on the
earth. Dirt and grass fill his nose and mouth.
"I—but I didn't U-" now with his face
turned up to look at her picture.
"Shut up," the photo shrieks as it
writhes from his hand and falls to the
ground, smoking chemically until Becky
stcpsput of it and stands tall in the starlight
beside the lakeshore. She appears with the
photo's d isfigured face and its non-eye on a
body with terge, pendulous tweasts, long
legs, a high ass, and 'flaccid vagina that
hangs down, worn and soft and heavy from
use, to complete the physique of a glossy—
photo—slut—magazine—$4.95—down—
at—the-rconvenience—store.
"Do you want it^illy? I will *cuz you
have a nice car. Warm inside. Lef s go for a
ride," she says in her little girl voice.
"No. Np. I fiever. I-l-I — " he stutters
painfully.
"I didn't think so. You're not that kind
of man. Not any kind of man.
Boys ... * she now gestures grandilo¬
quently toward the lake.
Soldiers wade out of the water, eager
for foreign wars, eager for a demonstration
of their fully adult, muscled bodies, eager to
be all that they can be, eager to storm this
beach, eager to fuck Billy up-the-ass.
Becky grabs her elongated labia as they
stiffen in a rousal, and she begins to mastur¬
bate, writhing in beat to the soldier's steps.
She moves toward Billy who is retreating
from the advance of the soldiers, "So you
don't like girls Billy, you can't turn them
on?" (
"Y-Yes. No. I-I like girls, women, gi —
"he sobs.        , TS
They are Marines in fatigues, now
marching up the boat ramp and onto the
shore, armed with cocks that have been
stamped into the shape of automatic weap¬
ons. Field-stripping (heir cocks they move
toward Billy and Becky singing:
Fully automatic
thafs what I want to be.
I'm gonna fuck you boy.
How about fucking me?
Chorus-
Automatic fuckers,
cocks like M-16's.
Hold your weapons proudly,
Marines, Marines; Marines.
"Oh no. Don't do this. I 16*6 you, I —" *
Billy mutters weakly, as he stares at the
Boys.." she now gestures gran-again and moving
... a    t _i xi_     i   i down the boat
diloquently toward the lake.      ramp and deeper
into the lake. Looking across the lake to
where his shadow widens in the lights of
the still running car to touch the other shore,
squinting for the distance he cannot judge
it. He wades into the water, unreproached
by the muck that forces itself, thick and cold
between his toes. Flic* her—him I can swim
all the way across-...
He raises his arms above his head in the
artificial light of the car bumbrumbumming.
Water runs down his arms, over his chest,
and back into lake. It has changed 1 am
changed. He watches theslowbeadsof water
run down his body. In the rounded shine of
the drops he can sec hi mself. He is wide and
fills the whole of each bead. / am the hydro¬
gen bond that recognizes law in the rare hydro¬
carbon chains in the dead mbetweenplaces where
lifi is ignorant of the impotence of the neutrino
tiny particles, uncaring and untouched. lam the
lifegroeroftheprecambrian tide pools, thesingle
shelled spark of man. 1 raise the ice lo melt un¬
counted ice crystals that fall unique from thin
atmosphere and back to Gaia's thessalian womb.
1 am the bomb. I am alone, small very small I
shudder beneath the ceaseless r'am of electro¬
magnetic radiations anticipating that final
moment of consciousness, indefatigable. 1 will
remain.
The waves capture the wallet insert
with Becky's photo inside from where he let
it fall on the boat ramp. It floats into the lake
as he swims across. It is washed clean of the'
semen that twists, down, squirming through
the fetid and churning muck.
—
' Literary Liners
A room without books is
like a body without a soul.
Cicero
Life Is a tragedy for those who
feel and a comedy for those
who think.
Jean de La Bruyere
Never love with all your beart/lt
only ends in aching.
Countee Cullen
Could Shakespeare give a theory
of Shakespeare?
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Poetry is what in a poem
makes you laugh, cry, prickle,
be silent, makes your toenails
twinkle, makes you want to dp
this or that or nothing, makes
you know that you are alone in
the unknown world, that your
bliss and suffering Is forever
shared and forever aH your
own*.    -
Dylan Thomas
.._.*. _.^^„/*<