Granada Pioneer, April Fool's Edition

              Page 4_______ SCREWBALL EDITION______April 1, 1943
ROSES ARE RED,  VIOLETS ARE  BLUE
ORCHIDS ARE $5;  SO  NUTS  TO  YOU!
TERRIBLE,    TERRIBLE    NEWS
   AMACHE STADIUM, April 1--In one of the most thrilling
and riotious pigskin exhibitions in the history of A-
mache, the Amache Poopettes, under the able tutelage
of youthful All-American guard Joe McClelland, also
known as the "dadda of feetball," routed the highly
touted and much publicized Granada Amazons before 7,584
frenzied fans.
   The score was not an-
nounced since the game was
called   due  to  darkness.
   It was a typical after-
noon of screwy FOOT-ball
and the Poopettes outplayed
the superior and aggressive
Amazons   leg  by   leg.
   Aparked by the ferocious
charging, triple - threat
halfback Fumi "Halfpint"
Amemiya, who was teamed
with blocking quarter,
Betty "Sockeye" Yamashita,
the team executed plays
that only Coach McClleland
could  originate.
   For the first time in
this sector, the 10G (pro-
nounced "tangee" says the
Coach) formation was used.
It combined a bit of razzle-
dazzle with a dash of zig
zag and a  slice of tomatoes.
   Special recognition
should be given to the fol-
lowing lineswomen for their
outstanding defensive play:
   Lanky Sets " Floopie "
Osajima, a possible candi-
date for the All-American
pivot spot, chubby Mae
Tanaka, lil' Grace Ide,
(any similarity to our News
editor Joseph "Irishman"
Ide is purely cooingci-
dental), and bright-eyed
Yae  Kamada.
   A thrilling moment in
the game was when Kiyomi
Saneto, ace halfback of
McClelland's outfit, dashed
40 yards to the locker room
to powder her nose.   She
was pursued by tree-top-
tall Alice Suzuki and happy
Hana Uno  of the  Amazons.
   It was Coach McClelland's
football wisdom together
with the Poopettes' versa -
tility  that won them the
hustle and bustle, es-
pecially the bustle, con-
test.
   After the game, ye re-
porter inquired about the
new 10G formation, and Mc-
Clelland  declared,    “Shhh,
It’s a cosmetic secret.”
F00 + cl = EaTs
   Residents will receive
Pacific coast papers on the
day they are published,
according to Mits Kanki,
center  newsboy.
   This hurry-up procedure
was made possible through
the concerted efforts of
Mr. Kanki, who contacted
the Super-speed Airlines
company and completed nego-
tiations for the early de-
livery.
   It is reported, that Mr.
Kanki spent some sum of
money to bring this exclu-
sive service to the resi-
dents.
===FOUND & LOST
       FOUND: A live cow wonder-
ing near the administration
mess hall.    Loser may re-
port to mess hall and claim
the  bones.
      FOUND:   A pen.  Will pigs
owning it please come af-
ter   it.
     LOST:  An autographed
photograph of Editor Khan
Komai.  Finder may keep
picture, but please return
frame.
     LOST: The recreation
department.   Finder may
keep   it.
     FOUND:  A woman's purse.
Contents cannot be listed
due to the two pages re-
quired to print them. Any-
one with a long wind may
claim   it.
     FOUND:  Some old bag
that was stumbling around
the fire department look-
ing for cigar butts.  She
claims to be a friend of
Tsugi  Akaki.(no  doubt   is)
     LOST:  Tosh Ninomiya's
beat-up chapeau, for which
Tosh doesn't give a damn.
(for which no one would
blame  Tosh)____________________
(Column headed “ROSES…)
   Negotiations have been
made and plans completed
for the freatest track and
field carnival ever to be
staged in the State of
Colorado.
    The locale will be the
newly constructed Amache
coliseum, complete with
grass and seating accomo-
dations   for  40  people.
    The cream of the 10 WRA
centers' athletes, male and
female, transported here
by mule train, will be
represented to vie for the
Big Ten's track and field
supremacy.
   This gigantic spectacle
will get under way tomorrow
and     continue     for a week.
   To the victorious team
will go the coveted 6-foot
trophy of solid gold dust
donated by the once-hustling
Colusa, Colusa county, Cal-
ifornia (plug) prune-pick-
ing king, Shige "Pruneface"
Ishigaki.   Old age (he's
all of 22) has caught up
with him and he is expected
to retire to the Army camp
in Shelby, Miss.    He wants
to   live an "inactive"   life.
   The host team, Amache,
is a star-studded aggre-
gation of former Pacific
coast has-beens and is ex-
pected to run away with
most  of the  top honors.
   Heading the outfit will
be sprint-queen Sumi Kawa-
mura, who has amazed sports '
experts by turning in a
9-flat  century and a 20-
flat furlong.   The only
sprintman able to keep pace
with the scintillating Sumi
is long-legged, 4 foot 11
inch Giichi  Ishisaka.   She
carries him on her shoulders.
   The high and   low hurdles
should    be   a   cinch    for
tousle-haired,   streamlined
Khan  Komai…This  event
continued on page 3
ALL   SPRING
    Amache weather bureau
reports there has been 2.51
inches of precipitation
during the last two months,
and about 750 feet of dust.
The residents are thankful
for the increase in the
amount of precipitation as
well as for the decrease
of dust.